I wish I never let myself be fooled into thinking hope exists?

I seriously wish I never let myself fall in love in college and have my two kids...not because I don't love them but because I'm just not good enough for them. I'm too damaged and no matter how much I want to have hope that things will stay this great with my family, I know they won't. I find myself hating everything about life except my family but I feel selfish for them having to be with me when I know I'm not capable of feeling love. I find myself holding my baby and he doesn't feel real and I worry that when I can't feel him in my arms and put him down I'll wake up and my family won't be there and this will have all been a dream and I cry. All I can think of is all I have to lose and all the misery that exists in this world that my children will have to be around. If I die they will hurt and if I live I can't protect them from this world and reality anyway....so either way they suffer....either way I suffer...we all suffer and I can't do anything about it. There is no hope. Why did I fool myself into believing that happiness exists here and that there is hope and bring kids into this horrible world? I'm sorry I'm ranting at this point but I'm at the end of my rope. I just keep wondering if I should have killed myself when I had the chance and spared everyone the misery of my existence in their lives?